Every once in a while a top ten list has to swing the other way. Today we talk about the bottom, the top ten comic book stories we shelled out our precious green on with the hopes of the same comic glory on the silver screen.
Our initial ground rules for this list: If you ever worked at a Blockbuster Video or another rental store, you most likely heard the phrase that every movie that exists is someone’s favorite movie. With that in I mind I don’t want to be too harsh, but we are nerds so certain damage must be done to these films. We are not including any films that are direct to video. They usually don’t have the cash to make it on the big screen, with something like a decent screen writer who has in clue.
Check out our top ten and of course let us know your thoughts in the comments below!
10. The Return of the Swamp Thing (1989)
Well this happened. They made a bad sequel to a not so great film in the first place, which is generally the case. Just look at the cover; Heather Locklear has possibly the worst scream face ever. The guy playing Swamp Thing just looks bored. That was the case with this movie, been there, done that, but somehow they still made a show too. The first movie is a guilty pleasure, though.
9. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012)
I admit it, I liked the first movie for some. I know I picking on another sequel here. Nicholas Cage has been doing everything he can to make a quick buck nowadays. So why not go back to something sort of successful? Because this was trash. It’s freaking 2012 and the effects were still hokey. Cage isn’t the best actor, but I guess I’m happy he stuck to his guns and said, “I’m Ghost Rider.” Just never again.
8. Jonah Hex
What happens when you make too many comic movies? Jonah Hex happens. You get to sign several really excellent actors: Josh Brolin (movie gold), John Malkovich, Michael Fassbender (you know you love him), Michael Shannon, Will Arnett, along with the not so talented Megan Fox. The character is sound and it’s a great Outlaw Josey Wales type concept. Unfortunately it was put together poorly and painful to watch ever again let alone once.
7. Catwoman (2004)
I got a free movie ticket to see this junk. It was still to expensive of a ticket and 104 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. I love Halle Berry and Sharon Stone, but they try to over act each over multiple times in this film. The story was plain stupid. The effects were like globs of paste running around on-screen. It at no point tied back to anything remotely Catwoman.
6. Superman III (1983) and Superman IV (1987)
I had to pull the two-fer on this one as both films ruined what was otherwise a fantastic series. You see the posters and instantly the music hits your brain. You watch the movies and ask why does my brain hurt?
In Superman III they tried to build on the computer age and video games becoming part of our culture. Richard Pryor’s character make some weird kryptonite to kill Superman. It turns out to be red kryptonite and makes Superman psycho. Doesn’t Richard Pryor have a better job?
Superman IV:Quest for Peace, Superman ends the arms race by sending all the nuclear weapon into space. Lex Luthor uses this to create a fake Superman, or Nuclear Man. It’s very comic bookish, but sadly really bad. Christopher Reeves and Gene Hackman are fantastic as always. Jon Cryer was terrible. Margot Kidder came back as Lois Lane. This is reason it took them years to make another Superman film and when they did III and IV were dismissed.
5. Steel (1997)
Five years after killing Superman and then bringing him back, they were still trying to cash in on the hype. I will say it once and say it again, sports stars should not act! Shaq cannot act. Why even make this movie unless you’re trying to cash in on Shaq’s fame. Nobody outside the comic community knew the character or even cared. It wasn’t even a good try cause nothing about the story, script, or Judd Nelson could save it.
4. Howard the Duck (1986)
This one is so bad it’s almost good, hence why we were all so excited to see Howard in Guardians of the Galaxy. Lucas had some Star Wars cash and made this. Why George, why? I wanted to like it. It seemed like so much fun. Yet it wasted the talents of Lea Thompson, Jeffery Jones, and Tim Robbins. Howard had promise, but things such as bad acting from Jones and overacting from the plastic Duck cooked this film. I thought my kids would enjoy watching it like I did when I saw it the first time. Instead I got the oh God why look. Sorry! Yet again Toots.
3. Elektra (2005)
I admit it I own the movie but I always ask myself why is it here? This thing was so damn slow and boring. It should have been great. Jennifer Garner has an excellent screen presence. Super ninjas should have made this really good, but nope! Rob Bowman created the pace of one of his X-File episodes which doesn’t work in a superhero flick.
2. Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)
Too soon? I actually really enjoyed the first Amazing Spider-Man flick in this reboot. It had nowhere to go but up. They had other Spider-Man movies to see what not to do wrong. But it went wrong. Peter is a sad person when the movie starts. Stuff happens (you know what happened, and if not avoid it like the plague.) Peter is a sad person when the movie ends. No character development what so ever. Basically you get a great polish on the flick with special effects, with a major exception being the crappy Goblin, and no story. Hopefully the third one redeems it if it actually ever comes after this disappointment.
1. Batman& Robin (1997)
This is the stuff nightmares and tears are made of. Arnold, George, Uma, Chris, and Alicia starring in one movie. Sounds great right? One giant nope! George had bat nipples, Arnold had some of the worst one liners, and Uma has the worst non-striptease ever in a movie. Joel Schumacher added more camp to this movie then the 60’s Batman which you would think is impossible to do. Bane also shows up to cause us movie pain to our eyeballs and ears. The rest of flick is just plain un-watchable. After all these years, I want my 6 bucks back.