Everything I Hate About You – X-Men: Apocalypse

THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS ABOUT THE FILM X-MEN:  APOCALYPSE.  DO NOT READ FURTHER IS YOU DO NOT WISH TO READ SPOILERS.

As fans we see things all the time that just piss us off.  Typically as writers we try to be diplomatic about it, but we’ve had enough.  We are not going to take the big loads of s*** anymore and stay quiet about it.  So we welcome you to our latest feature, Everything I Hate About You where we list off everything about a specific series, film, game, etc. that really has us ready and wanting to bitch and moan.

In our inaugural article we are ready to take a look into everything about X-Men:  Apocalypse we hated.  We sat quietly in the theater throughout the movie holding our tongue.  Now we are ready to spew it out like verbal diarrhea, similar to how we felt the movie handle many things.  Were there some great things about the movie?  Sure, hell, Quicksilver needs to get his own movie immediately.  But the bad outweighed the good and our kid gloves are off.  Below we present the worst parts of the movie, the ones that killed it for us in the end.

As always, please sound off in the comments!

5.  Flat Character Overload

Don’t keep throwing in characters just to try to make fans happy.  Considering the new timeline after Days of Future Past reset everything, we were introduced to Jean Grey, Cyclops, Nightcrawler, Jubilee, Angel, Storm, Psylocke, and Apocalypse for the first time.  We also had Professor Xavier, Magneto, Moira McTaggert, Beast, Mystique, Havok, Quicksilver, and William Stryker coming back again.  This is just way to many characters to juggle.  The returning characters are once already developed we don’t need to worry about, but with 8 newcomers competing for screen time with 8 returning characters, no one has time to develop or grow in front of us.

Apocalypse’s horsemen, Angel, Storm, and Psylocke really receive the biggest shaft, completely feeling like one-dimensional characters.  Angel and Psylocke never develop.  Storm is really the weakest of them.  She’s all in with Apocalypse killing everyone human around the world, until she sees Mystique is fighting her.  We imagine he inner monologue as “Wait, my hero is fighting Apocalypse?  Could the evil mutant who wants to commit genocide not be that nice after all?”  Or is it that Storm’s mother is named Mystique?  Apparently the first name of a mother is a powerful thing in comic movies this summer.  While that’s a possibility, we imagine it was instead because this is Storm who everyone liked in the previous movies and has to be good by the end whether is makes sense or not.

4.  Death For Death’s Sake

During the course of the film, millions are going to have died.  We hated Man of Steel already for that, but apparently Bryan Singer thought he could up the ante and kill even more people.  Death is a film doesn’t when its hollow or over done.  Beyond the poor human casualties, two big name X-Men also lose their lives:  Havok and Angel.

Havok probably earns the award for dumbest death in a movie this summer so far.  Not just because it was pointless, but because his own stupidity got himself killed, and nearly everyone else as his actions cause a chain reaction explosion in the mansion.  You would expect to see this on the television series 1000 Ways To Die, where we can laugh at the most idiotic ways people have actually died.  Randomly unloading his powers full force against someone who was already in the process of teleporting away?  When everyone else is yelling at him, basically saying “your dumb, don’t do it” around plenty of crazy equipment in the basement.  If it at least had any meaning to it, that would be something, but Scott cried a bit and got over it.  The only good thing to come out of it was the once again film stealing sequence from Quicksilver.

Finally, one of the original X-Men, Angel lost his life.  For a film that felt a lot like they were trying to make up for X-Men:  Last Stand and X-Men Origins:  Wolverine, they couldn’t put in a good Angel redo.  He was boring in X-Men:  Last Stand.  Notwithstanding how it was possible the changed timeline allowed him to be born 20 years earlier, they took a good step in making him Archangel.  Yet he had no personality what so ever, other than the fact they made him an angry little fighter.  He hardly spoke throughout the film and then he died like a chump in a free-falling plane instead of doing the intelligent thing and getting the hell out of there.  Did he really need to push forward to attack one more time before the plane crashed.  There were only two damn options, Nightcrawler got the X-Men out of there or they all died anyways.  Maybe in another 10 years we’ll see Angel get a third lease on life to actually live up to being one of the original X-Men.

3.  Apocalypse

Apocalypse is one of the greatest villains in the X-Men’s rouge gallery.  Every time he appears, he leaves a wake of destruction along with mental and physical scars for everyone involved.  He made Angel into Archangel.  He ruled during Age of Apocalypse.  He actually turned Gambit lame for a brief period.  His accomplishments are endless.  This is why the Apocalypse during the film was so disappointing.

Yes, he looks like Ivan Ooze from the original Power Rangers movie.  We’re not going to harp further on that, beyond that even in the film he really never looks better than the original photos we saw of him.  You almost want to fall asleep every time he is on-screen.  Oscar Isaac is a great actor, but the character was just so flat with no energy or conviction for anything he did.  There was no screen presence compared to what Magento brings every time we see him.  Apocalypse is a tough character to crack on the big screen, being an ancient Egyptian mutant and all.  We still hoped it could be glorious, unfortunately it wasn’t.

2.  The Pointless Wolverine Cameo

Alright, we all love High Jackman as Wolverine.  He has done a terrific job over the years, but does he really need to appear in every single X-Men movie whether it makes sense or not?  In X-Men: First Class, his cameo was minor, to the point, and really funny.  In X-Men:  Apocalypse, they had to insert an extended, completely pointless side plot to include him.

To frame this properly, the X-Men our down on their luck after Xavier has been taken by Apocalypse and, as previously mentioned, Havok stupidly blew himself and the mansion up.  Now its time to go save Xavier and stop Apocalypse.  Oh nevermind, now we need to go to intermission while William Stryker randomly pops up to knock out and randomly detain whichever X-Men he wants and whisk them away to Akali Lake.  He takes Mystique and Beast, which if this is happening anyways, makes sense since he’s dealt with them before.  What about Quicksilver.  Was it “that guy has cool hair, bring him so I can get the number to his stylist.”  Why not any of the other couple of dozen unconscious mutants laying on the yard.  Oh, because Quicksilver will be needed when they escape and immediately head for the final battle?  That’s some damn good foresight.

Now we wait 20-30 minutes of pointlessness until the X-Men are back on their way to save Xavier with absolutely no change in the overall plot.  This entire scene could be yanked out of the film and you really wouldn’t even notice.  We like Wolverine. It was great seeing him do what he does best once again.  But this really took a lot of focus out of the film just to insert a whole scene just for him that has nothing to do with the narrative.

1.  Magneto Commits Genocide

This is perhaps the biggest problem the film faces as it truly is mind-boggling.  First lets set the facts.  Yes, Apocalypse used his powers to super charge Magneto’s powers.  However, there was no mind control or brain washing going on here, as has been the case before in the comics for Apocalypse’s horseman.  Not to takeaway from him losing his family, it truly was a powerful and traumatic event, but he decides to use his power to start destroying the world.  It’s not Apocalypse’s powers that are toppling sky scrapers and killing most likely several millions around the world within a very brief period.  It was all Magneto.

So how can Magento possibly get out of this one free and clear?  There’s really not reasonable way, but he walks free and clear by the end again.  The TV is reporting that he helped save the world.  What?!  He was the one destroying the world!  Him “saving” the world is him simply stopping destroying it?  As stated before, it’s his powers he’s using!  Of course though everyone just forgets about that so he and Xavier can have a friendly goodbye before they part ways once again, on even better terms than in Days of Future Past were his body count was at the most double digits.  I call bull s***!

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  1. The Top Ten Reasons To Go See X-Men: Apocalypse – FA Comics

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